would be easier in the summer..

when i could lay in my yard to contemplate.
if God is every where, why is it so hard to find?
it cant be my walls keeping me from him.
that is ridiculous.
my house is the shittiest.

autumn

i am usually scared of fall.
i surprise myself lately
i have these decisions to make,
and i make them
i am surprised at my good sense.
maybe, this year i will have some good changes
although i have intentions that are not always the best,
i have found, in spite of my self,
i am doing well.
i hope to keep it up
the last ten years, i do what i do.
and maybe i see that i have been my own downfall.
so now i try.
more than i have before
should i include God,
as i have not lately
i think i can.
some of my effort, that has consumed me prior,
is relieved
life is so much easier with help.
and not pharmasuitical help.
i have tried nicotene replacement
and opiate blockers.
only to make me more irritated.
the best thing so far is decision.
i decide to be better.
to be healthy
and a good wife, mother, person.
and remind myself every 5 minutes.
i guess they call it white knuckle sober
i hope it gets better.

overdressed is always best.

i skipped the reunion.
i cant decide if i have issues, or did they?
i decide to play in a creek with family
leave those people behind.
but i see,
only people that came were the ones i liked.
i should have gone.

dance party

today was the best day.
celebrating the life i have made,
i enjoy.
thank you to my children for giving me have this holiday.
it was great.
so often i feel that motherhood is thankless.
and redundant,
but today, i got the card, they both wrote thier names.
melted my heart.
an actual representation of my work, from the last 5 years.
is apparent.

faith, not fate

have you ever been pulled. by a force. not begining within you? to an end? a circumstance?

or the right ending?

the ends do not justify the means, but you are pulled to an ending?

i have been pulled, a few times i feel it is selfishness.

a few times, it is not.

out of my control, the ending of things.

the culminations.

the results.

i feel pulled by both fate, and faith. they pull in different directions.

one is good.

the other is vanity.

the last time

She did not look so tall today, as I looked her in the eyes. I told her I could be bought. And for not much either, just money. Really, what I had done was quit selling my time. I got a deal out of it to. I could hardly hide a smirk. It was nice. girls and make up. ladies leaving happily with their samples. Not to serious. Strange how I suddenly have so many friends. After a few, "Your so pretty, NO, your so pretty" and Questions about who gets my customers, I will be missed. And I will miss you all to. I love you ladies. ♥

Miss American

its a eureka morning. humidity and sun are just right. also humility. brains are scrambled like the perfect egg. i decided not to buy the flowers, but i really enjoyed carring them around the store and waving at people like i was courtney love from her best album cover. also, mimosas with gatorade is genius.