Animals dont pet people.

who needs pets?
they are dirty, and selfish. Always asking to be fed, or pet and loved. Always taking from you and never giving.
I wonder if that is how God feels about humans. Are we his dirty little pets? Praying and begging for good fortune and a comfortable life? Still running around, shitting where we eat and breaking stuff, then hiding behind furniture and asking for forgiveness and petting?
If God is like me he hates his pets. God must be sympathetic if nothing else.
Myself on the other hand, am one tick shy of breaking these necks and throwing the bodies in the trash, but I won't. I let them live here and reluctantly care for them. Trying not to let my anger of these two spread to the whole species.. These that I have in my care, have poisoned my view of the rest.
I am angry. How can we continue to be so abusive of this life that is given?
Its good that I am not in charge.
I go outside and tend my roses, trying to calm down. It is working. I clip one rose, high up, knowing full well there is a spider underneath it. I hate spiders. I ruin his web. Confident in my omnipotence, "He will climb high again and rebuild." I see that he is a 3 legged spider, and I am filled with remorse. Im sure it was not easy for him to get so high and finally make his home. I have inadvertently just ruined the greatest effort of its life. With one clip, and no consideration, I ruined two things that He made beautiful. I wanted to have the flowers in my home. I gave no thought to the struggles of the one who lived there, or the creator of both. I wonder if I am really in Gods image. I am vengeful. Also understanding, and not intentionally mean.

would be easier in the summer..

when i could lay in my yard to contemplate.
if God is every where, why is it so hard to find?
it cant be my walls keeping me from him.
that is ridiculous.
my house is the shittiest.

autumn

i am usually scared of fall.
i surprise myself lately
i have these decisions to make,
and i make them
i am surprised at my good sense.
maybe, this year i will have some good changes
although i have intentions that are not always the best,
i have found, in spite of my self,
i am doing well.
i hope to keep it up
the last ten years, i do what i do.
and maybe i see that i have been my own downfall.
so now i try.
more than i have before
should i include God,
as i have not lately
i think i can.
some of my effort, that has consumed me prior,
is relieved
life is so much easier with help.
and not pharmasuitical help.
i have tried nicotene replacement
and opiate blockers.
only to make me more irritated.
the best thing so far is decision.
i decide to be better.
to be healthy
and a good wife, mother, person.
and remind myself every 5 minutes.
i guess they call it white knuckle sober
i hope it gets better.

overdressed is always best.

i skipped the reunion.
i cant decide if i have issues, or did they?
i decide to play in a creek with family
leave those people behind.
but i see,
only people that came were the ones i liked.
i should have gone.

dance party

today was the best day.
celebrating the life i have made,
i enjoy.
thank you to my children for giving me have this holiday.
it was great.
so often i feel that motherhood is thankless.
and redundant,
but today, i got the card, they both wrote thier names.
melted my heart.
an actual representation of my work, from the last 5 years.
is apparent.

faith, not fate

have you ever been pulled. by a force. not begining within you? to an end? a circumstance?

or the right ending?

the ends do not justify the means, but you are pulled to an ending?

i have been pulled, a few times i feel it is selfishness.

a few times, it is not.

out of my control, the ending of things.

the culminations.

the results.

i feel pulled by both fate, and faith. they pull in different directions.

one is good.

the other is vanity.

the last time

She did not look so tall today, as I looked her in the eyes. I told her I could be bought. And for not much either, just money. Really, what I had done was quit selling my time. I got a deal out of it to. I could hardly hide a smirk. It was nice. girls and make up. ladies leaving happily with their samples. Not to serious. Strange how I suddenly have so many friends. After a few, "Your so pretty, NO, your so pretty" and Questions about who gets my customers, I will be missed. And I will miss you all to. I love you ladies. ♥